Zilch #AtoZChallenge

Zilch. Zero. Nada.

Every year, between 133 million and 275 million children witness domestic violence in their home. What should this number be? Zilch.

In the United States, EACH DAY four children die as a result of child abuse or child neglect. How many children should die because of this? Zilch.

In the United States, four women per day are killed by someone who is supposed to love them and honor them. How many of these women should be killed? Zilch.

In the United States, 78% of the child fatalities due to child abuse and/or neglect are are a direct result of the parents. What should this number be? Zilch.

The statistics go on and on and on.

What can YOU do? Listen and watch for opportunities to make a difference in your community. Is there an election involving domestic violence, child abuse, elder abuse, or any other kind of abuse in your area? If so, speak up. Vote. Make a difference. Local communities need to do what they can do to make a difference. They can set up shelters, community centers, and inform the public. You can help make that happen. If you know someone who is being abused, you can help support them through it. You can make a difference in their life. You can help inform them. You can help make an escape plan. You can.

Until the statistics reach “zilch” we have to keep on working toward that number, doing anything we can to help the problem; to help the victims; to make survivors out of victims.

For the rest of the posts in this series, click here.

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Xenodochial — #AtoZChallenge

Xenodochial means being friendly with strangers, kind of the opposite of xenophobic. How does that fit in with abuse? Well, that’s one of the traits of an abuser.

An abuser’s traits include:

Charming. An abuser is a charmer, someone who can impress strangers by their politeness, inclusiveness, friendliness. He/she is the last person someone would image would be abusive because he/she is soooo nice and soooo friendly and soooo easy going. To strangers, anyway.

Behind closed doors, an abuser is controlling, irresponsible, irritable, narcissistic, isolating, and impatient. He/she will not allow his/her partner to associate with friends or family because he/she wants to control everything their partner does. He/she thinks the world revolves around him/her and everything is about him/her. Everyone should be doing what the abuser wants them to do.

The abuser often is going from one project to another, seemingly unfocused on any one thing.

An abuser is often alcohol or drug dependent.

The abuser is usually someone with numerous failed relationships. He/she will abuse over and over again. They are often the type of person who will not be able to commit to a relationship, leaving one when things get tough (like a pregnancy, financial problems, the birth of a child, illness, etc.).

An abused adult may be someone that either was abused as a child or lived in an abusive household. He/she has learned to abuse from someone.

They often have a history of abuse related arrests.

They get more and more violent. Shoving becomes punching. Spousal abuse becomes child abuse.

They blame everyone else for their abuse, refusing to take responsibily for their abusive actions.

But to strangers, he/she is friendly, the perfect host, charming, nice, supportive. Xenodochial.

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Worldwide #AtoZChallenge

Although I live in the United States and a lot of what I have posted has to do with the United States, abuse is by no means exclusive to the United States. Abuse is a worldwide problem.

According to the International Center for Assault Prevention (ICAP) approximately forty million children under the age of fifteen are victims of abuse or neglect. Internationally, up to 36% of girls and 29% of boys have suffered child sexual abuse. Between 133 and 275 million children worldwide are estimated to witness domestic violence annually.

According to Living Without Abuse (UK) domestic violence leads to an average of two women being murdered EACH WEEK and thirty men per year. The BBC reports that in the UK, one in ten children is neglected.

The World Health Organization (WHO) reports that, in developed countries, one in ten elder is abused each month. However, only one in twenty-four cases is reported so the estimates are considerably on the low side. In under-developed countries, the problem is far worse.

Pick any country and search for abuse statistics. You will be shocked. It is not an isolated problem. It is a worldwide pandemic.

Something needs to be done.

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Update #AtoZChallenge

The other day I told you about Gloria (not her real name). Today I was going to write something entirely different but last night something happened that brings me to an update. A hopeful one.

Last night Sam hit her again. He had been drinking since the night before and all day yesterday. He blew up and started throwing things at her and yelling at her. He beat her with a shoe because he was “not going to lay a finger on her.” She took the boys into the bedroom and locked the door. He broke the door down. Apparently, the boys were screaming at him to stop and were very upset. The police were called and he was arrested but because he didn’t hit her with his fists, the arrest was for a misdemeanor harassment charge. He was to be booked and released as soon as he was sober. She called me and I spent the night with them in case he came back that during the night.

Today she is bruised and sore all over her back with shoe marks all over. The boys are still talking about it, even the three year old. She says she won’t allow him back in again. The kids were there and upset. The first thing one of the boys said to me last night was “Daddy is never coming back home again. He hurt Mommy and I was yelling at him ‘Stop! Stop! Stop!’ and I was crying.” We watched a movie and he kept talking about it during the movie, obviously upset about it. So I am hopeful that she won’t let him back home. He’ll be under a “No Contact” order until he goes to Court. He’s actually on probation from the first charge three years ago so we are hoping they will terminate his probation and make him serve the full jail term. That will keep him locked up for a couple of years. Enough time for them to move on. I know it won’t be easy for them but they will be so much better off without him constantly causing fear in her and the boys.

Join me in crossing my fingers and saying a silent prayer that Gloria sticks to it this time. This has to be the last time.

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Over And Over — #AtoZChallenge

My mom and dad are fighting again. Well, at least my dad is fighting with my mom. I can’t hear her saying anything but I can hear my dad yelling at her and saying some of the words we aren’t supposed to say because they’re bad words.

It happens all the time but more when my dad doesn’t have to go to work the next day. He starts out happy but then he ends up angry and yells at all of us. My mom sends us to the other room or to bed if it’s night time. He keeps yelling at her and sometimes I can hear him slap her or hit her. Sometimes I can hear him push her down on the floor or against the wall.

This time it was because my dad yelled at my brother and got up to hit him and my mom got in between them so he couldn’t hit my brother. Instead, she sent him to bed along with the rest of us and when we left he started yelling at her and calling her names then he hit her.

It happened last night, too. And a few days ago. My birthday was last week and it happened then too, after everyone went home. He always starts when everyone is gone. He’s nice to everyone until the company leaves then he starts hitting us and yelling at us. He has a whip. It’s made out of a long extension cord. He folds it in half and whips us with it. Then my mom comes and tries to get him to stop and he starts whipping her, too.

It happens all the time. Over and over again. All the time.

For my other 2016 A to Z Challenge posts, click here.

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Mandated Reporters — #AtoZChallenge

“All citizens have a responsibility to protect those who cannot protect themselves.”

“Without a meaningful consequence for violating Oregon’s mandatory reporting law, there is little incentive for compliance. Without a real risk of meaningful punishment, laws that impose a duty to act have no deterrent effect.”— Erin K. Olson, Portland attorney and a co-founder of the Oregon Crime Victims Law Center. 

What is a mandated reporter? A mandated reporter is someone who is required by law to report suspected abuse (child abuse, domestic violence, child neglect, and elder abuse all have specific lists of those who are mandated to report such abuse). In the case of child abuse and child neglect, the list of mandated reporters encompasses many specific people in the medical, educational, legal, law enforcement fields as well as other fields. Some states also make any adult working with a children’s club or organization (Cub Scouts, Girls Scouts, Boy Scouts, Campfire, Y, etc.) a mandated reporter.

Mandated reporters are required to report when they suspect abuse or when they are told by a potential victim that abuse has/is occurred/occurring. That means that if a child comes to school and tells a teacher that his/her parents are abusing them, that teacher is required to make the report to the local agency for child protective services. They don’t have to have actual first hand knowledge of the abuse. They are required to make the call and let another professional make the decision as to whether it will be investigated or not. The identity of the reporters is supposed to be kept confidential. That doesn’t always happen. Most states have laws and penalties against anyone in a “mandated reporter category” NOT making a report.

I have been a mandated reporter in my teaching capacity as well as a Scout leader. I have made those calls to Child Protective Services several times. In one case it was investigated and found to be true. In the others, it was either not investigated at all or investigated and not found to be credible. And, although my identity was supposed to be kept confidential, it wasn’t. As a result, in two cases, parents came into my classroom and confronted me and verbally abused me in the presence of my students (this was in California which, incidentally, has a law on the books making it illegal for anyone to verbally or physically attack a school teacher or administrator in the presence of students) and no one backed me up. Administrators are supposed to do that yet in both cases, they failed to do so. It left a bitter taste in my mouth but I don’t regret having made those calls. I will do anything in my power to protect a child from any kind of abuse. Any day. Every day.

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Legal — #AtoZChallenge

Surely there are laws to protect children from abuse and neglect. Surely there are laws to protect against domestic violence. Why do the numbers of abuse victims continue to rise? Why don’t the laws deter abuse?

Well, think about it. In the United States, the legal justice system assumes that all accused are innocent until proven guilty. Who is going to prove them guilty? How will they be proven guilty? The accusers have the burden of proof of guilt. And they will prove the guilt by telling their story over and over and over again, many times to those who don’t believe them. So the same people that have been victimized once will have to tell their story until they are either believed or not. They will be questioned over and over again. They will be made to feel as if they are the guilty ones. They will be victimized once again, this time by the legal system; all to protect the legal rights of the abusers. Even the very young will have to be questioned. And when the case goes to court, the victims will have to testify in front of the same person that victimized them in order protect the accused constitutional right to face their accuser. The victim will have to face the person that hurt them; that betrayed them; that committed horrible crimes against them. There is something wrong with that.

Yes. There are laws against child abuse and child neglect. There are laws against domestic violence. But there are also laws to protect their abusers and in our legal system, the rights of the accused seem to trump the rights of the victim.

My 2016 A to Z Challenge Posts

Abuse

Because

Child Abuse

Dad

Elder Abuse

Families & Domestic Violence

Gloria

Hush

Ignoring

Jasmine

Killers

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Killers — #AtoZChallenge

Did you know that in 2013 (the most recent year for which national statistics are available) an average of 4 children died EACH DAY as a result of physical abuse and/or neglect? The estimated number is 1,520 deaths in the United States that year. This shows a slight decrease from 2012 statistics.

Did you know that 46.5% of those 1,520 deaths were children under the age of one? An additional 34.5% were aged 1 to 3. The youngest children are the most vulnerable, probably due to their dependency on the adults around them, their size, and their inability to report what is happening to them. Children aged 4 to 7 accounted for 11.7% while those aged 8 to 11 account for 3.5%. The remaining number is the total of those aged 12 to 17 years of age.

Did you know that in 2013 parents were responsible for 78.% of the fatalities?

Did you know that the FBI estimates that 30% of fatalities among women are committed by their husbands, boyfriends, or exes? This also translates into 4 women per day killed by someone who is supposed to love them and honor them. In most cases, when a woman is killed by a partner or former partner, it is after they have left the abusive partner; after they have made their escape. They are stalked and attacked, just as they are beginning to feel safe.

Did you know that when a battered woman kills her abuser, it is most often due to self-defense or to protect their children? Statistics vary from agency to agency and state to state but the high numbers for these self-defense/defense of others murders is 67% in California.

“When domestic violence results in homicide, it is often a reflection of the community’s failure to recognize the severity and potential lethality of the problem, and to address its critical role in early intervention.” – Strengthen Our Sisters

These posts have been increasingly difficult to write because of their subjects. However, I do feel it is important to highlight some of these issues. I’ve resorted to some dry statistics and some fictionalized case studies, along with some true events. I hope you forgive me for not being more creative. My hope is that someone will be helped, either by reading these posts or by having the information shared with them.

If you’re inclined to do so, please read this important news story of a current case in California. It highlights how some children are failed by they system.

When parents abuse and kill and the system covers it up

My 2016 A to Z Challenge Posts

Abuse

Because

Child Abuse

Dad

Elder Abuse

Families & Domestic Violence

Gloria

Hush

Ignoring

Jasmine

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Gloria — #AtoZChallenge

Meet Gloria. She’s 27 years old and lives with Sam who is 36. They have a little boy together, he’s 3. Gloria is also expecting their second child. She works swing shift at the front desk of a hotel in town. Sam stays home with their little one.

One night, Gloria got home from work at 11:30, as usual. She went into the living room to see her little boy who was still up. Sam was in the kitchen. Then Gloria heard loud bangs in the kitchen and went to see what was going on. Sam was throwing stuff around in the kitchen. She asked, “What’s going on?” Sam turned around with a fierce look on his face and without saying a word, he punched her in the head and she went down to the floor, hitting her belly and her head on the way down. Sam left her there on the floor. He kept throwing stuff and he punched his fist through the window, breaking it. Gloria got herself up and grabbed her phone, calling a friend who lived two blocks away. Her friend told her to grab the baby and she would be there to pick them up in two minutes.

Gloria’s friend took her to the hospital to get checked out. In the E.R. Gloria was asked what happened. She said she fell. Then her friend told her she had to tell the truth and so Gloria told the doctor what had happened. Police were called to the hospital to take a report and within an hour, the Sheriff had gone to the house, handcuffed Sam and taken him to jail where he was charged with felony domestic violence because of the unborn baby and the three year old. Because there were children present, it made it a felony. That started a whole snowball of events.

Three years later, they are still together. Sam is still on probation, having served only a few days in jail then pleading guilty to enter an anger management program and a long relationship with the probation department.

He doesn’t hit her anymore. Now he tells her every single day that she is a poor excuse for a human and that she is a rotten mother and that she doesn’t deserve to have any children. All this he tells her while standing and swaying because of all the wine he has had. She’s depressed. She doesn’t tell anyone until months and months later when she breaks down and tells her mother. She doesn’t want to leave him because their little boys love him so much. There are other reasons she doesn’t want to leave, mostly they come from fearing the stigma of being a single, unwed mother. She knows how she has felt about “that kind” of women and she is afraid that others will think badly of her. She did try to leave a few times but Sam always found out and stopped her.

She’s stuck. She is often depressed. I think that she will eventually leave him. I hope she will escape. He doesn’t hit her anymore but he’s “grumpy” more often than not. Even their kids know to stay away from Daddy when he’s grumpy.

Gloria is just one. There are thousands of Glorias out there. Thousands who stay in bad relationships for the kids; so that others won’t think badly about her; so she won’t be a statistic. She already is.

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Dad — #AtoZChallenge

This is a series about abuse. I have debated with myself about whether I will write any personal stories or details in this series. I’ve decided that I have to do so to keep the writing authentic. So, here goes.

I remember having a lot of fun with my dad when I was growing up. I remember him pushing me on the swings. I remember him dancing with me in his arms when I was so young I could barely walk.

I remember the fights. He would drink too much and the fights would begin. He would start yelling at everyone and cursing at my mother. And he would keep drinking even after he had had too much. I remember wanting to go help my mom because I could hear him hit her and I could hear her cry during the night when we were all supposed to be sleeping. In the morning I would wait for him to go to work and then run into my mom’s bedroom. I remember how her face looked. Her beautiful green eyes sad and filled with tears, swollen and purple. I remember that although her eyes cried, she would smile at us and say she was okay. No, it didn’t hurt. She was okay. But I knew different. I could tell when she tried to move that she was in pain. I could tell that there were probably bruises that we couldn’t see because she could hardly move without wincing in pain.

He hit our mom. He made her cry. He caused bruises. Bruises on my mom. Bruises left on our minds that colored our world.

Then, he would hit us. My mom would try to get between him and us and she would be hit and thrown out of the way so he could keep hitting us. We were little. My oldest brother was only about eight or nine at the time, yet he got punched as if he were a grown man.

There were many drunk days and nights. I remember that every year on my birthday (my birthday is on Christmas) he would get drunk and ruin the day. Sometimes it would be by passing out and other times by ruining our dinner like the time he was angry because it was taking too long to get everything on the dinner table so he pulled the tablecloth and with it all the food. And I remember one year when he was so drunk one Christmas that he went into the bathroom to wash up for lunch and ended up passing out and falling into the bathtub which was still filled with water from my youngest sister’s bath. My brothers had to help my mom get him out of the tub and into bed. That turned out to be a good Christmas because he slept for the rest of the day and the rest of us had a good day. Still, I wished that it hadn’t happened because I always believed that he would be able to share one Christmas, one birthday, without getting drunk or abusive.

I remember. I’m sixty years old now and I still remember. I have never been able to forget it. I remember.

My 2016 A to Z Challenge Posts

Abuse

Because

Child Abuse

Link:

http://www.aafp.org/afp/2002/1201/p2052.html

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