Xenodochial means being friendly with strangers, kind of the opposite of xenophobic. How does that fit in with abuse? Well, that’s one of the traits of an abuser.
An abuser’s traits include:
Charming. An abuser is a charmer, someone who can impress strangers by their politeness, inclusiveness, friendliness. He/she is the last person someone would image would be abusive because he/she is soooo nice and soooo friendly and soooo easy going. To strangers, anyway.
Behind closed doors, an abuser is controlling, irresponsible, irritable, narcissistic, isolating, and impatient. He/she will not allow his/her partner to associate with friends or family because he/she wants to control everything their partner does. He/she thinks the world revolves around him/her and everything is about him/her. Everyone should be doing what the abuser wants them to do.
The abuser often is going from one project to another, seemingly unfocused on any one thing.
An abuser is often alcohol or drug dependent.
The abuser is usually someone with numerous failed relationships. He/she will abuse over and over again. They are often the type of person who will not be able to commit to a relationship, leaving one when things get tough (like a pregnancy, financial problems, the birth of a child, illness, etc.).
An abused adult may be someone that either was abused as a child or lived in an abusive household. He/she has learned to abuse from someone.
They often have a history of abuse related arrests.
They get more and more violent. Shoving becomes punching. Spousal abuse becomes child abuse.
They blame everyone else for their abuse, refusing to take responsibily for their abusive actions.
But to strangers, he/she is friendly, the perfect host, charming, nice, supportive. Xenodochial.