I’m not the confrontational type. I’m not the loud type. I’m not the “in your face” type.
But there are changes going on inside of me; inside of my mind. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older and I know time is short. Maybe it’s because I am just fed up with things. Maybe it’s because old feelings and memories that I have suppressed for decades have come tumbling back into my mind. I’m seeing things that I saw before but didn’t face and I’m facing them, at least inside of me. I’m angry at the way things are. The next step? I think I have to start speaking out; start acting. I have to try to help bring about some changes.
What kind of things? Well, I keep seeing, day after day after day, instances where women get blamed for men’s actions and poor decisions. Yesterday, I read about a court case where a Yale student was exonerated of rape charges even after the jury was shown video tape footage of a very drunk girl being dragged to her room, barely conscious. The young woman was asked, in court, by the judge, why she had chosen to wear a close fitting cat costume to the Halloween party where she encountered her assailant. The judge asked her why she hadn’t worn a Cinderella costume or something “like that.” So the male walks free and the female is left not only with the trauma of waking up after passing out only to find that her clothes are off and the guy is on top of her, but she is also left with the humiliation of having to testify in open court and then called a liar. The jury’s verdict called her a liar. The judge’s questions called her a liar. Yale called her a liar. They failed to stand by a female student in favor of a male student.
Why is it that when a girl gets pregnant she is blamed for it; often she is said to have seduced the guy. Why is it that no one blames the guy? It’s pretty difficult for a girl to force a guy to get her pregnant. Possible but difficult, yet it’s the girl’s fault.
Why is it that when a woman is sexually assaulted, she’s to blame because she wore provocative clothing or smiled at a stranger?
And this one, while unrelated, still gets at the point that women are always blamed. Why is it that when a man cheats on his wife or partner, it’s the woman’s fault? She didn’t pay attention to him. She didn’t dress nice for him. She didn’t wear makeup for him. She didn’t hold his interest. It’s her fault he couldn’t keep his zipper up in the presence of other women.
Yup, time after time, it’s the woman who gets blamed. It’s always our fault.
And this all keeps women down. It keeps us from speaking up and reporting attacks. It keeps us oppressed. In our place.
It won’t end or change significantly in my lifetime but I have daughters and a granddaughter and I pray that they will see this change in their life times. For now, all I can do is express my anger over the way things are and I can support women who have been victimized by the system. I can tell my stories of my experiences; there are more than one. I was blamed. Then I got smart and stopped reporting them because no one would believe me anyway. It’s time to speak up in the hopes that others will benefit.
Changes. Lots of them. The time has come.
Changes.
Some huge issues with our culture that need to change. The judge in this case surprises me a little bit,but that the jury went that way really surprises me.
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The article I read didn’t say what the make up of the jury was. It’s quite surprising to me, too. I wonder if a 12 person jury would have been any different than this 6 person jury.
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Hi Corina,
It was interesting reading this and also thinking back to my time as an undergraduate and going to informals at the university residential colleges. That was back in the late 80s and there was a lot of murky water back them, which hasn’t changed by the sound of it. The difficulty with a rape allegation and the “he said, she said” is having sufficent proof. However, that doesn’t account for the attack on what she was wearing and those draconian attitudes.
Having a teenage son and daughter, these issues are a concern for me. I almost feel that my son needs to get written consent to have any form of intimacy with a girl and at the moment, Im happy driving my daughter around. I worry about her walking around even our neighbourhood by herself. At the same time, she is auditioning for musicals and dances and as a mum that concerns me too. She should be able to pursue her talent without being sexually assaulted. I think I’ll have to take up being a stage hand. Watch our world, here comes Mum!
xx Rowena
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One of the small but powerful things that can help with this shift is deliberately and consciously changing language, and it’s something we can do every day, especially now that people are heard in online forums and conversations. It’s powerful to shift from “she was raped” to “he raped her.” It’s powerful even to shift from “she got pregnant” to “she and her partner conceived a child,” or, depending on her level of consent, “he impregnated her.”
I am so impatient with the men around me who say they’re afraid to approach any woman at all, ever, for fear of being accused of assault or lack of consent. Guys, it’s really *not that hard.* Don’t have sex with someone you don’t know. Don’t have sex when you or your partner is in an altered emotional or psychological state due to drugs or alcohol. *Pay attention* to her verbal and nonverbal cues. Maybe—I know this is crazy, but—actually have a conversation about preferences, boundaries, and history before engaging sexually. Does this disrupt spontenaeity? Sure, but there is no such thing as physically, emotionally, or psychologically safe spontaneous sex. At the very least, a major discussion about STDs should happen before anyone does anything, and that’s a good point at which to discuss boundaries and history.
Also, guys? DON’T TOUCH A WOMAN WITHOUT HER PERMISSION. EVER. Until you know her, and you know what her boundaries and yours are, JUST DON’T. It’s *not that difficult*.
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Thank you. I wish everyone would read this.
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Returning memories are hard to deal with, they are loud and furious and it can be very difficult to ignore them.
You are doing your bit. You have reared your girls and they’ve seen the strong woman you were and are. Most of us can’t change the world but we can change our small part of it.
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Well said Corina … although the reality of it makes me sad.
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