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Posts Tagged ‘I can’t sleep’

That’s where it came from.

I was in bed a little while ago. The grandkids are spending the night and the two boys always want to sleep in my bed and I have to be in the bed with them or they get upset. So I am in the bed not sleeping. I’m in pain but I can’t take the pain pills because they make me zonk out and I can’t do that with the kids here. The little one is not quite nine months old and might wake up because she’s in a strange bed although she normally sleeps through the night. The four year old wakes up and wants to go outside. He actually gets the step ladder and unlocks the chain and goes outside. Even if it’s dark and rainy. And I don’t hear him even when I am not on pain pills so I’m sure I would not hear him on pain pills. So no pain pills. And I have to sleep on my right side to avoid some of the pain but I can’t because of the position of the boys.

So I am in bed, awake. And that’s when it happened.

A memory. It was 1990. An almost forgotten memory and one that I have surely put out of my head for self preservation. But it came back. And it made me cry. I had to get up and leave the room because I was afraid the boys would wake up with my crying. It all came back. I was on the freeway, the 101 southbound, in my car with the kids who were 10, 7, and 2. My kids. My husband had left home six weeks prior to that day because he needed a break and wasn’t sure he wanted to be married anymore. I had gone up north to see my sister and so that the kids could visit with their cousins and so that we wouldn’t be home alone thinking and missing him. We were on our way home. Then a car was passing us and out of the corner of my eye I realized it looked like his car. Then I looked and realized it was. He was driving it but he wasn’t alone. And I didn’t know who the woman with him was. When he saw that it was me and that I had seen him, he floored the gas pedal.

That’s how I found out that my “soul mate” was cheating on me.

And that’s what came flooding back a little while ago. And now for sure I won’t sleep. It will be a long night.

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I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Not because I’m not tired or not sleepy but because I cannot find a comfortable position to sleep in. I am still having to be very careful of how I move. I still have staples in my belly. I am still sore all over. So I lie in bed forever then sleep for a few minutes only to wake up and try all over again.

Last night, I had been trying to sleep since before midnight. It was after two. I finally fell asleep and as I comfortably slept, I saw myself out with a group of friends all from high school. I was having a great time with them. We were all going to walk over to the fast food place a couple of blocks down. I hadn’t had a cheeseburger in ages and while I don’t have them too often, I really enjoy a good cheeseburger with tomato and fresh lettuce and pickles and a big slice of red onion. Yum. So I told the others I had to run into the bathroom before we could go. They waited for me outside the restroom. I was fantasizing about that delicious burger I would have in just a few minutes and I realized that I was really hungry, remembering that I had not eaten anything since breakfast and it had only been a cup of yogurt so that burger would be heaven. I heard steps coming into the bathroom and then stop right outside the stall then a loud “BANG! BANG!” on the metal door accompanied by a crass voice saying “Seven minutes till the burger joint closes. Let’s go!”

I jumped up and as I did, I was aware of having hurt the incision on my belly. Everything was dark. No one was waiting for me. I was in pain. I was hungry. I was awake again. I had only been sleeping for about seven minutes. And I hadn’t had my cheeseburger!

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