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Posts Tagged ‘future’

If we were having coffee, we would be indoors. It’s raining here in Seattle. It’s not cold, just wet. You would have to help yourself to a drink before settling in as I have a baby in my arms! I drove up here on Tuesday morning and was handed a baby as soon as I got in the door. The rest of the time has been filled with holding him, feeding him, and lots of burping! Mati is four weeks old. He’s quite alert for four weeks. I think I’m spoiling him. He’s been attached to me almost all day, every day. I got to be his first babysitter, too. His mommy and daddy had tickets to two soccer games this week so they got a couple of nights out and I got this precious little boy to myself.

This past week has been filled with shock and sadness in the world. Being here with this tiny, innocent little boy has helped me both empathize with that grief and sadness and also get through it without totally falling apart.

As Mati sleeps in my arms, I’m reminded of holding his daddy in my arms when he was this age. I’m reminded of how much simpler the world was; how much less hate, fear, and danger we faced. I am also filled with hope and dreams that Mati’s world will be a better place; that he won’t have to know the hate and intolerance; that he will be in less danger when he grows; that he will live in a world that embraces all mankind.

I’ll be driving home to Portland tomorrow. I’m already missing this little one and wondering when I’ll be back to see him. I’m lucky that he’s only a three hour drive away from me. Hopefully that will translate into frequent visits.

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 #WeekendCoffeeShare is a weekly blog linkup hosted by Diana at Part Time Monster Blog. Come join us!

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Momma over at A Momma’s View challenged her readers to pick a topic from a list she posted and write about it then post the results. As I looked over the list, a few called my name but none louder than “SASSY”. So here goes.

Not long ago I mentioned in a post that I was feeling down because I was no longer happy and I remembered being happy. Just like I remember being happy, I remember being sassy. I think that sassy was a part of happy. I lost that a long time ago but I think I am getting both happy and sassy back and I’m thinking that it’s about time!

I was once asked to describe a favorite outfit of clothing, past or present. I immediately thought of the one outfit. It was in college so it was the probably spring of 1976, my sophomore year. I wore this one outfit all the time but the one specific time that pops into my head all these years later is the day I was walking from the counseling center back to my dorm. I was taking a peer counseling class so that I could be a peer counselor in the dorm when needed. As I approached the intersection of Bowdoin and Salvatierra, traffic stopped for me to cross at the pedestrian crosswalk. It was about 11 in the morning on a beautiful day in Palo Alto, around 76 degrees. I walked strutted across the street with traffic stopped in all directions. I was wearing a navy blue body suit with white cuffs and collar and over that a pair of white hot pants that had a skirt attached. The skirt had gold buttons with anchors embossed on them and they were fake buttons down the front of the skirt…the skirt did not button in the front. It was open in the front, giving the appearance that it had been left unbuttoned. As I strutted across the street, I was aware that more than one pair of eyes was on me and I was smiling. I smiled because I was happy and because I was feeling sassy.

Years later, after my divorce and years of feeling unloved and unwanted, I got some “attention” from an old friend who found me online. That attention brought that sass back to me for a little while. There was a song that I had always liked since the first time I heard it in the 60’s and because I always listen to oldies in the car, I heard it often during that time. It is called Do Wah Diddy Diddy, the version by Manfred Mann. Every time I heard that song I felt like it was being played just for me and it always made/makes me smile. Listen to the song and tell me if that is not a song that feels sassy. That’s what it does for me, even all these years later when that attention is no longer on me. It makes me strut. It makes me happy. It makes me sassy.

And that brings me to now. The present. I mean the present as in not the past or the future; I mean the present as in a gift. After so many years of not feeling well and not feeling happy or sassy or like myself, the person I am inside, April’s surgery has given me a gift, a present. I am starting to feel like the old me again, even with no “attention” on me. I am now feeling like I can go out in public without people staring at me. I feel good and I want to be out, not inside all the time like I used to be for years. I want to do things. I want to meet people. I want to have fun. I want to dress up. I want to be seen. I want to be happy and I want to feel sassy. I want to feel like me. I want to be me.

Sassy is calling out to me. Sassy wants me back. And I want it back.

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My hair is very gray. I usually dye it about every three months. I do it myself, at home. I found a dye recently, well less than a year ago, that is much better than what I was using. It is a foam in product that is much easier to apply and to see where you have applied it to and where there is no product, which means that you don’t have those “untouched” spots that translate into dyed dark hair (deepest brown is my natural color) with a lot of gray peeking in here and there. At $10 an application, it is more than twice what I pay for the other stuff that leaves gray in but it is well worth it. Plus it leaves my hair conditioned and feeling great!

I haven’t dyed my hair since Thanksgiving. That means that it is almost completely gray all over, down to my shoulders where there is still some of the dark coloring left down to my mid-back. I toyed with the idea of letting it go completely gray but I’m not ready for that. My daughter agreed that it’s not time yet. You see, I’m 59 years old. With my gray hair I look like I am well into my 60’s. With it dyed, I look late 40’s. No brainer. I decided to dye it.

Today is my grandson’s last day of pre school. He begins kindergarten in September. There will be a little presentation of certificates and pictures. I decided that today I was taking myself back. It has been a really rough three months and I am ready to start being myself again. So I rummaged through the cupboards looking for the good dye package but didn’t find any. However, I did find the old stuff that doesn’t cover the gray well. It was after midnight so I decided I would use the yucky stuff just this one last time. Maybe I should have waited until this morning or gone out at midnight. When I washed it out and dried my hair, I could definitely see a lot of gray. It seems that I left a lot untouched just below both temples. Then I realized that I only got the surface so when it is moved slightly out of the way, all the gray is underneath!

Oh well! It will have to do. It will wash out in less than a month anyway and by then I will have gotten to the store for the better stuff. I think I’ll stock up on it.

Then came the clothes. At about 75 pounds lighter than I was in April, nothing fits. I have two pair of leggings that fit loose but well enough to wear. I also have two pair of jeans that fit kind of baggy but they don’t fall down! So that’s what I have been wearing around the house. To go out though, I had my daughter take me to the store where I found two pair of nicer pants, not leggings and not jeans, that sort of fit. They were on clearance and then half of the clearance so I paid about $16 for the two pair. I’m wearing the dark blue ones today. The tops are harder to find so I dug through boxes of clothes that never made it to the Goodwill donation center, clothes that were too small when I was so much bigger. I found a few that looked less larger than others and gave them a fresh washing. One in particular is kind of gathered with elastic at the sides, creating a waist. That one is not huge on me. It’s a size or two too big but it doesn’t look like I’m a two year old playing dress-up in my mommy’s clothes. So I’m set. I’m stepping out! It’s only to my grandson’s pre school graduation but it means a lot to me.

I’m taking myself back. I’m ready to. My mind is anyway. My body isn’t entirely ready and I will have to remember to not over do things but I’m not waiting. I’m coming out, not as the sickly shell of who I used to be, but as the person that is looking forward to so much more than doctor’s appointments and medicines and fear of the cancer recurring. I’m not thinking of that today. Today is about an ending and a beginning.

I’m ready.

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After all the years of having to get supplies for returning to school, first for myself and then for my kids, I have found myself going through a kind of withdrawal at back to school time for the past few years.  No longer do I have kids heading back to school.  No longer do I need to catch the best price on binder paper, folders, ink pens, pencils and all that stuff.  No more backpacks to buy, which is good because those things are expensive!  I remember having to buy three backpacks for the kids each year and they had to be Jansport with the leather bottoms if they were going to last at least half the year.  The three cost me well over $100 each year and my oldest usually went through two of them each school year (more books to carry to and from the high school). 

These days I find that I still venture over to the school supplies section at the store during back to school time.  I no longer get anything.  It’s tempting.  I will even pick up a pack of pens and think about it but then I end up putting them back.  And binder paper.  That was always one of those things that you had to get enough of at the beginning of the school year, while it was on sale, or you’d pay five times the price during the school year if you ran out. 

The other day, while at Target, I sort of meandered to the school supplies and was about to walk away, realizing that I didn’t need any of those things, when Anderson walked up to me.  My daughter has started letting him walk around the store on his own these days (not always a good idea but hey, it’s her child so I can’t say anything).  He walked up to me and grabbed my hand and pulled me to the crayons and markers in the back to school section.  I laughed.  I guess it won’t be long until we have to start getting him stuff at back to school sales and prices!  He didn’t get any of it that day.  I had to distract him.  He did have crayons a while back but his walls are now “custom colored” so he can’t have them anymore unless we’re eating out and they are needed as a distraction (that’s why I keep a bunch of them in my purse, too).

When we got back into the car, I had to move his backpack out of the way and it reminded me of back to school stuff again.  His backpack now is just a lightweight kids’ Spiderman (he calls it Diderman) backpack but before we know it, he’ll need one for school.

And although I did think of getting school supplies for him and saving them until he needs them, I thought better of it and didn’t.  It can wait.  And of course, he’ll want to pick out his own pencils and paper and supplies. 

Yeah, I can wait.  It won’t be long.

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Today I watched the memorial service for Teddy Kennedy.  Speaker after speaker told wonderful stories of Teddy’s love for life; of his generosity and genuine concern for everyone he met, whether a friend or a foe.  In that room (John F. Kennedy Presidential Library in Boston, Massachusetts) there was so much joy and so much sadness.  Today was a day to remember the things and people that he loved so much.j

I came away from with a new respect and awareness of Teddy Kennedy as a person.  Today I came to love him and miss him even more.

I think, too, that in that room we were able to see that the dream will live on.  He instilled in his countless nieces and nephews, in his own children and grandchildren, and every Kennedy relative, the need and the duty to serve the American Public.  That’s Me and You.  I think each of us should bow our head and thank the Powers That Be for sending us Teddy Kennedy.  He showed that all of us, regardless of how imperfect we are, have the capacity and the duty to leave this earth a better place.

I think that the younger Kennedy generation has learned that lesson well and will make their uncle/father/grandfather proud as they follow in his footsteps.

What a wonderful send off.  What a beautiful celebration of a man’s life.

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