Posts Tagged ‘depression’


Well, it was an interesting month with the A to Z Challenge. This was my third year participating and it was a tough go. I didn’t start on schedule and I didn’t get caught up until the very end and that’s because I doubled up on a couple of the posts, posting two letters in one post. But hey! I finished on time!

It has  been a tough couple of months, actually, a tough three months. I have felt like I am sinking and there’s no way out. Sinking health-wise and emotionally. I did finally get the doctors to listen to me so I am now on a new medication that I inject once a week (along with my five injections of insulin each day and oral medication for diabetes) and that’s supposed to stop the weight gain which is the reason I am sinking. I think I have posted previously that the insulin processes sugar differently so a lot of people end up gaining weight. I have gained a full one hundred pounds since last August. That is a lot of excess weight. It effects everything I do. I have a lot more trouble walking, sleeping, sitting, moving around, and just plain being. Day to day activities are either impossible or take me so much longer to do that I end up giving up. As you can well imagine, this has taken a huge toll on me emotionally. I’ve asked the doctors to give me  an anti depressant but they didn’t listen until a couple of weeks ago when one of the nursed became concerned about my mental/emotional state and talked to the doctor. I got my prescription and started it right away. I’m not sure I feel much difference yet but I have been told that it can take up to a month to see/feel some difference. I’m crossing my fingers.

I’m hoping to get back to more regular blogging. I think it’s one way that I keep sane and I haven’t had that for awhile. April was more regular but that was a set topic/theme so not my normal blogging. However, I did come up with a few characters that I might explore with a longer piece of writing. Did you have a favorite this month? Let me know and maybe I can try to develop that soon.

My eyesight is not great these days. It’s a direct result of the diabetes. I have a lot of  trouble, especially with “screen time.” I end up not being able to spend too much time reading online. I’m working on a few things that might help, one being those glasses that help with the glare of back lit screens. I’ve used them before but I need to get some more. I think I gifted mine to my mom when she was here in July so I need to see if I can find an economically feasible pair.

Speaking of economics, my Social Security finally came through so at least I don’t have to worry about paying rent. I do have to come up with an additional two hundred dollars a month so I can pay my electric bill and afford gas in my cars and some of the other things that my check doesn’t cover. It basically covers rent and my internet connection ($40/month). So I will be looking for some babysitting and anything else I can come up with to make a few extra bucks! It’s doable, though. I am hanging on to that thought!

I’m actually looking forward to today. My daughter and I will be joining a group of about fourteen people on a trip up to Seattle. We were lucky enough to get admission to the fifth anniversary celebration for Lularoe clothing. A friend is a consultant and she and her husband rented a big van to take us all up there and were nice enough to pay the fifteen dollar fee for each of us to attend. It should be fun, or at least an experience! And later this month I will be driving up to Seattle to see my grandson who will be turning two years old on the eighteenth! I don’t get to see him often enough so I am really looking forward to that.

Anyway, that’s it. That’s my update. I’ll be reading y’all soon!

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Good morning. It has been a bit since I wrote a coffee share post or even a post. I’m not in much of a mood to write these days. Come on in and sit an maybe I can explain over a cup of coffee or tea.

Today is the last day of winter but the next ten days in our forecast here in Oregon show we are getting more of the heavy rains we have been having. Already, since October 1, we have outdone ourselves with respect to rain. We have reached our yearly total in just five and a half months. And that was last week. It has rained all week so we’re over our yearly total. It has made it a tough winter. The rain, cold, and wind have kept me indoors most of the winter. No walks out on the trails (they are all mud now). No shopping because I don’t like going in the rain and because there’s no money with which to shop. It’s depressing staying indoors. At one point, recently, I went four weeks without leaving the house. Hopefully within the next couple of weeks our rain will give us some breaks so I can get out.

Then there was the deaths of a couple of friends recently. That has me depressed, too. And I have health problems of my own. I’ve pretty much figured out that the main problem is my diabetes. No insurance equals no doctor equals no medicine. So my fasting sugar is pretty much sky high. I am constantly thirsty. Thirsty as in drinking a 22 ounce glass of water every ten minutes because I am just parched. That’s not good. That much water screws up a lot of things. Then I have problems waking up. I usually have problems sleeping now I have problems waking up. I seem to be able to sleep all day and all night. I can sleep for six to eight hours and then wake up for just a few minutes and then I can’t stay awake again. And the night sweats. When I wake up I am soaked in sweat. All symptoms of diabetes gone awry. There is a free clinic that I can apply to and if they accept me, I can get an appointment. I’m going to try to push myself to apply. I have to get some medical attention. I also have sores that won’t heal and that can also be related to the diabetes but it can also be something else. I need to get a diagnosis. And the depression itself is a symptom of the diabetes, as well. It seems that the main thing to get treated right now is the diabetes. That’s the key. If I can get that treated, then other symptoms can be sorted out.

This all sounds awful and I have not wanted to write about it because it’s so depressing but I figured I kind of owe people an explanation.

I don’t seem to be able to focus on much these days. I’m trying.

Tell me what is new with you. Give me something to concentrate on, even if only for a few minutes. I really need to pull myself up as much as I can because if I don’t, I end up falling back into the not caring about anything or anyone, not even myself. So give me something to think about. Help me pull myself up.

#WeekendCoffeeShare is a weekly blog link up hosted by Emily at Nerd In the Brain. Go check it out!

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I’m having tea today but there is coffee too, if you’d like. I’m experimenting with what I eat and drink as my stomach has been getting very upset so I’m trying to determine if it is too much coffee that is causing the discomfort. Mint tea is what I’m having. It’s my favorite tea. It reminds me of my mom and growing up. She always gave us mint tea to solve whatever ills we had. So today it’s mint tea.

The weather has turned cold here, cold and very windy which just makes it that much colder. I have an enclosed front porch and the wind has been so bad that it keeps blowing the door open and it slams into the living room window. I figured it is only a matter of time before the window breaks so I ended up having to lock the door so the wind doesn’t blow it open. The bad thing with that is that there’s no doorbell outside of the porch so if anyone wants in, they can’t get in to ring the doorbell on the front door. The good thing is that no one ever comes here unless they are trying to sell me something or convert me to their religion. So I guess it just stays locked until the wind dies down a bit.

I’m down but trying to keep myself focused on something positive. November is a bad month for me. Not only is it the time that our weather definitely changes, it is also so much darker out with shorter days, and it’s the anniversary of two days that I don’t like to remember. First, it’s the anniversary of the day my ex packed a bag and walked out, never to return. And second, it’s the anniversary of my brother’s suicide. So not a time I want to dwell in yet the calendar takes me there anyway.

I’m still trying to keep up with the aftermath of the elections but it seems that things happen so fast that by the time I read about one thing, it’s too late to act because it has already happened and there’s something else to get caught up with. I will say that my time has been limited, as usual. And I find myself treating myself with streaming stuff that I like, things that are familiar and that make me smile or even those that make me cry the sentimental tears, which are so much better than the frustrated tears.

While the demonstrations have all but ended here in Portland, I just read that Portland’s mayor is calling for a March of Hope on Tuesday. It is supposed to be a march and rally of solidarity to show that Portland stands against hate. I’m sure Portland PD will be on full alert. Let’s see what happens. I hope one thing that happens is that it will put a lid on some of the anger people have against all protests and deomonstrations. There is so much hate popping up from every corner toward every little thing. It’s quite disheartening.

On that note, I will tell you that I am trying to focus on happy things like going to Seattle to see my son’s family, especially the baby! I’m supposed to go on Wednesday for Thanksgiving. Last year I got sick right before so I stayed home alone. I’m hoping this year won’t be a repeat. I need something good to focus on. And on a silly side, I’m looking forward to the four new episodes of Gilmore Girls which will be available on Netflix on Friday! Yay! I guess even if I end up staying home  I will have something to look forward to, just not family and turkey!

What have you been up to? Are you spending the holiday with family? How do you celebrate? What’s on your family’s Thanksgiving menu?

#WeekendCoffeeShare is a a weekly blog link up hosted by Diana at Part Time Monster Blog. Come take a look and share some news, gossip, and a beverage!

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If we were having coffee, it would be very early. It’s not quite 5 am here on the west coast. I’ve been up all night. I can’t seem to shut down. There are too many things on my mind. There is a sense of hopelessness inside of me right now. It has been a tough week.

If we were having coffee, we might be streaming one of my favorite movies. In an effort to just detach from the negativity in the world, I’ve tried to stay off of social media as much as I can since early Friday afternoon. It has helped. I’ve streamed some of my favorite movies, the ones I go to when I want to feel good. I’ve streamed Under the Tuscan Sun, Erin Brokovich, Dirty Dancing, Shall We Dance, and I finished the last half of The West Wing Season 7. I can’t quite concentrate on reading right now. Or writing. My mind is filled with things that shouldn’t be in there.

Yesterday I wrote about a peaceful protest here that turned violent and ugly when an anarchist group took over the peaceful march. There was a lot of damage done. It saddened me greatly. However, within hours, there was a group that was out there cleaning up the damage; broken glass, over turned trash cans, graffiti. It was all cleaned up by volunteers that didn’t point fingers or blame anyone. They just went and took care of the problem. They also set up a Go Fund Me account to raise money to help the businesses that were damaged by the protesters. The account raised over $37,000 in about 16 hours. I haven’t checked to see how much more has been raised. This is a good thing. It helps a lot to know that just as there are people that are willing to destroy things and disrespect the property of others and that of the public, there are also good people that are willing to go out there and take it upon themselves to try to make things right again. That made my heart hopeful and it made me proud to live here.

Friday would have been the 58th birthday of a friend that died earlier this year. That was another thing that made my heart heavy this week. I read through old emails between the two of us and some comments on Facebook between the two of us. I read what others posted about her, too.

Then there is the fact that my seasonal depression was setting in before the election so there was already that component before the world went crazy. So it’s good for me to detach a bit. It’s good to try to take care of myself before it gets bad. Last year I bought one of those light therapy lamps but it arrived too late for me to use it because I didn’t need it anymore. This year I will use it starting now.

If we were having coffee, I would want to hear about your week. I would hope that you would have something good to share with me; something happy; something positive. I would want to turn it over to you because I’m plum out of things to share. So tell me about you; about what you are up to.

#WeekendCoffeeShare is a weekly blog link up hosted by Diana at Part Time Monster Blog.


On Wednesday we did one good thing. We got out of the house and went for a hike with the boys. This has become one of my favorite places as it looks out on Mt. Hood which is one of those places that makes me feel at peace and puts things into perspective. I never get tired of looking at its grandness.

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If we were having coffee, I would try not to tell you that I am still having issues with my sleep cycle, but you probably know it from the faraway look in my eyes and lack of concentration.  I would let you do most of the talking and I would hope that I could follow you.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week I got my etsy purchase from LifeInNotes, a shop owned by Conny at Study Read Write. I ordered a bunch of her book review notebooks to keep track of the books for my reading challenges. (These can also be used for movie reviews.) They are for my Midori Traveler’s Notebook and are really great quality. I actually think it might be good for me to start using one of them now as I can’t focus on new projects so maybe I can enter the books I’ve already read this year (I’m on book number 6 for 2016). Some of those might turn into book review posts for this blog so maybe I should try to do that today?

Today is my son’s birthday. Tony is 34. That’s kind of hard to believe. It seems like ony yesterday I was eagerly awaiting his appearance. He was born 21 days post-mature so we were all eager for his appearance. He made us wait but boy has it been worth the wait! I could not ask for anything more in a son. He’s my rock. He’s hosting a Super Bowl party at his home in Seattle so I might not get to talk to him today. I actually spoke to him on the phone last night so it won’t be too bad if I don’t get to talk to him today.

I also spoke to Daughter #2 today. Susie lives in Santa Rosa, California, so I don’t get to see her too often, maybe two times a year. However, she is moving here to Portland at the end of March!!! I’ll get to see her a lot more often. The house they will be renting is about a 20 minute drive from me. Neither she nor her boyfriend have jobs here yet but both have a very good employment history and excellent references so we are all hopeful that they will find a job more easily than not.

I’m still battling depression. It helps if I can stay healthy so I can get out and about but that has been the challenge this year. Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat all over again. Yuck. But I am trying. Right now I need to wrap this up to go out to dinner with Tina and the boys. I miss them when I don’t see them and I haven’t seen them since Thursday.

I think I should shut up and listen to you now! Tell me about your week. What are you reading? Are any of you participating in the Book Riot Read Harder Challenge? The goal is to get people to read things that they would not normally read. They have twenty-four tasks that are pretty easy to follow. For example, one is to read a book under 100 pages. Another is to read aloud to another person; yet another is to read a book for middle grades. Some are more challenging (read a book over 500 pages; read a non-fiction science book; etc.). I’ve done four of my twenty-four tasks. You might want to check out the link above, even if you don’t join the challenge.

For now, know that I am trying to keep up. It’s difficult but I’m hoping to try some tricks this week (sending blogs directly to my e-reader or tablet so I can have them any time I want to read them. That will be much easier than trying to read and comment from my phone, which is what I’ve been doing for the past two or so months.

Until next time, be well, be happy.


#WeekendCoffeeShare is a weekly blog hop hosted by Diana and Part Time Monster. Take a look at the other blogs participating and maybe join us?!

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If we were having coffee today, I think I would have to confess that I’ve been depressed lately. I’ve been trying to get past it or ignore is but it is seems to be getting worse, not better. On top of that, I’ve been sick so often since before Christmas…well, actually since before Thanksgiving. The most recent bout has left me way off of my sleep cycle. I seem to not be able to get to sleep until about 8 or 9 in the morning! I have been trying to get to sleep a lot earlier but it doesn’t happen. Finally, I end up turning on the TV or putting music on or reading.  So then, when I fall asleep at 8 or 9, I end up sleeping until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

The sleeping doesn’t help because sleeping all day means that I am sluggish all day and then I don’t see Spencer and Anderson at all because of their bedtime (7 pm). When I don’t see them, I get depressed even more. And of course, this time of year the constant rain and gloomy weather don’t help, either.

I don’t have a lot to say today. I’m trying to keep up with blogs but it isn’t happening. I can’t concentrate so I apologize. I’m going to keep trying. I know I’m the only one that can get myself out of this cycle. If only I can break through the sleep issues, other things would fall into place. Today, I haven’t slept at all and it is almost 1 pm. I think I am going to try to just stay up at least until 9 tonight without napping. Hopefully, I will be so sleepy that I will be able to sleep.

So now YOU tell me what is going on with you. Books? Movies? Shows? What is new with you and yours? Fill me in, please!


#WeekendCoffeeShare is a weekly blog hop/link-up hosted by Diana at Part Time Monster. Come on over and check it out!


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I seem to be very emotional today. I’m not sure why. We had a very good trip. We spent the day in Tacoma with the boys’ other grandparents before heading home. All is fine here. The kitty missed me and is letting me know I should not leave her alone again.

And yet, I find myself getting teary with almost everything. A post on FB; song lyrics; a movie I put on to get over my emotional state (White Christmas). Everything. It might be because it is getting to me that I won’t be spending Christmas with two of my kids. It might be because I will be turning 60 in a couple of weeks. It might be because I want the whole world to be a better place. It might be because I’m tired. It might be because of the season. It might be because I miss my sisters and because although my three brothers have been gone for years, this is the first Christmas without my dad and the combination of all of them being gone is getting to me.

It has been a very busy, emotional, scary, and exciting year. Things seem to have happened on someone else’s plan, not mine. There is also so much that is unknown for me personally right now.

I think it has all snowballed from last January when I first started to feel sick to now when I don’t know where I will be this time next year.

I wanted to write a happy post; a positive one; but it just isn’t happening today. I’ll try to turn that around for tomorrow.

Do you get emotional at Christmas time? What do you do to “fix” that?

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The D Word

I usually feel it coming on in time to do something to lessen it. In fact, I haven’t had it in a long, long time. A couple of years, at least. This time, I didn’t feel it coming so it caught me by surprise. An unpleasant surprise.

It’s the D word. The one so many hide from. The one so many misunderstand or better yet, don’t understand at all. The D word that takes over and renders us helpless.

When I first got it, I didn’t know anything about it. It took me months to realize what was happening and then another month or two to see a doctor about it and then, miraculously the tiny pills worked their magic almost overnight and I was so much better. That was years ago. A lifetime ago.

Then when I moved to dark, dreary, damp Oregon in 2008, it was so much worse during the wet, winter months. It was paralyzing. I remember that first year I was here. I had begun my new life positively. I would take myself to breakfast at the Denny’s down the road several times a week. It’s a cheap place to eat and with my AARP card, even cheaper. It got to the point where when I walked in the door, one of the waitresses would start singing the old song, Corina, Corina. (Yeah, that’s when you know you might be going there too often!) After breakfast, I would travel a circuit to visit several Goodwill stores before coming home. I didn’t have to buy anything and most of the time I didn’t, but it got me out of the house and actively doing something. I still got lost getting from one place to another but it was okay because I had all the time in the world and in getting lost, I often discovered interesting places and things.

When December rolled around, so did the snow. And I mean snow, snow, snow, and temperatures so cold that the snow didn’t melt. From Dec. 15 to Dec. 24 it snowed constantly. That was the beginning of the D word’s visit that year. After Christmas, it continued. It got to the point where I would get dressed to go out to eat and I would get to the front door, keys in hand, and not be able to turn the knob. I would stand there with my hand on the knob trying to turn it so I could leave but I couldn’t do it. Finally, feeling defeated, I would give up and turn away from the door. I would try again the next day with the same results. I couldn’t even lift the phone to call someone to distract myself. It went on for months and finally, at the end of March, on a day when my daughter came and picked me up and we drove to the casino on the coast, it looked like things were going to be better. On the way home from the casino came the call. The last of my three brothers had committed suicide. After the initial shock and the burst of energy to travel a thousand miles and the week I spent there with family, I came home and it hit again.

That’s why the D word scares me. Two of my brothers have committed suicide. After the second one died, I was given a box with his medications and his blood sugar monitor and test strips so I could use them. One of the medications was unknown to me and when I got back to Oregon, I looked it up online. The bottle was for anti depressants. The date on it was from the previous summer but the tablet count showed that he had not taken a single pill. Months without taking that medication. Would it have made a difference? Would he be here today?

I know I’ve had those thoughts before…the S word. I don’t think I would ever do it because I have seen what it does to the ones that are left behind. But I will have to admit that I have thought about it and come up with different ways to do it. Not recently. It has been years since the last time so in that way I am better.

This year the D word has taken over. I did finally do something to help myself. I ordered one of those full spectrum lights to battle SAD. It arrives tomorrow. I’m hoping it will help. I cannot be like this. I have to snap out of it. I don’t have anymore of my little magic pills, or as my daughter calls them, “happy pills”. I don’t have medical insurance and I don’t have a doctor or history with any doctore in this state. So no happy pills for me. I’ll have to rely on the “happy light” and some natural remedies and chocolate.

But I know that this too shall pass and I guess if I can remember that much, I’m not in as bad shape as I have been in previous years.

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We’re in the middle of what I call “the lull”…the time between Thanksgiving being over and the Christmas season getting a hold of me.  Usually it’s only a day or two.  This year, I’m not in the holiday spirit yet.  I haven’t bought any gifts yet.  Usually I’m all done by now.  I’m more absorbed by the getting there (we’ll all be going up to Seattle for the holiday) and getting everyone situated and happy.  I tend to fret over not causing too much work or trouble for others and not letting any of the “kids” make waves for anyone.  I want people to be happy and to have the time go by so smoothly that we all say “let’s do it again soon” when it’s all over.

The only problem with this lull is that if I don’t get moving and get into the spirit, I run the risk of becoming depressed and I don’t want to go there.  That won’t be fun for anyone.  So I wait.  I’ve tried putting on some Christmas carols and plugging in the Christmas Santa lights in the window and letting my grandson plug in the tiny twinkling lights in the dining room (although he likes to have them on all the time, not just Christmas, I don’t usually let him do it too often).  So far no luck.  I guess I’ll give myself a couple of days to focus on the holidays and then get a move on!

Hopefully the lull will be over in just a few more posts.

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I’ve had a number of setbacks this calendar year which have kept me from posting or even from wanting to post.

I tend to have seasonal depression.  This year, we have had so much non stop rain and frigid weather where I live that I haven’t been able to fight off the depression as I usually can.  So I’ve basically stayed indoors, sometimes not leaving the house for a couple of weeks at a time.  To this, add a couple of falls I took, one in my kitchen and one in the bathroom, which put me in a bad place physically and mentally.  None of us likes to be reminded that we are getting older so when we take a fall in the kitchen (stepping off the step ladder) and end up bruised and achy then take another fall in the bathroom four days later, it reminds us of our vulnerability.  And it also added to my depression.

Then I got sick.  A couple of weeks ago, as I was preparing to go help a niece whose newborn infant died, I developed chest pain so bad that I couldn’t stand up straight.  I had to call my daughter to come get me and take me to the ER.  Twelve hours later, I was sent home with a “maybe diagnosis” of pleurisy and that was only after they did expensive test after expensive test after expensive test.  And the kicker is that I have no medical insurance.

So now I wait, with great fear, the arrival of the hospital bill which I am thinking will be close to $10,000.  When I list the tests I had done, a lot of people say it will be more.  Not exactly the basis for feeling better and getting rid of the depression.  Now if the weather would get better…if it would stop raining…if the pain in my chest would go away and stay away instead of coming back every three or four days…

One of these days it will all be better.

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