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Posts Tagged ‘abuse’

How do child molestors get their victims to go along with what is happening? They tell lies. They tell the child what the childl needs to hear. Sometimes they promise them something or buy them something.

Here’s a true story. It might be a downer but it shows a bit how they operate and how molestation can occur with lots of people around.

Marina is four years old and she is one of many children in her family. She is often forgotten because she’s not the one that is clamoring for attention, positive or negative attention. She’s just there, doing what she’s supposed to be doing, being a kid. One day her grandparents come to visit them. They travel by Greyhound across several states and Marina is really happy to have them come to visit. Her family doesn’t have anyone else around. All the uncles, aunts, and cousins live several states away so having Gramma and Granpa visit is really special. When they get there, Granpa keeps winking at Marina and telling her that she is prettier than her sisters. He has her come over and put her hand in his pocket to pull out a coin. He tells her he’ll give her more money so she can buy a doll.

He does that several times a day. Gives her money. Compliments her. Tells her she’s his favorite and tells her she’s the prettiest. One night, the whole family is watching home movies in the living room. The lights are turned off and there’s no place for Marina to sit because her siblings are fighting with her and they won’t let her sit next to them on the floor. Granpa says she can sit on his lap and pulls her toward him. She sits on his lap as the movies play on the TV and as everyone talks and her dad tells what is going on with the movies he took of the family.

Granpa keeps whispering in Marina’s ear. Telling her lies. He pulls her hand and holds it for a few minutes then he puts it in his pocket. She starts to pull her hand out of Granpa’s pocket and he doesn’t let her. He holds it tightly and whispers that she’s his special girl and that he has dollars to give her so she can buy her doll. She settles down and Granpa puts her hand on something inside her pants. It’s hard and kind of like a stick. He pulls her hand up and down the stick and makes her do it…makes her keep rubbing her hand up and down the stick. He whispers for her not to stop and to do it faster. The lights are off and no one can see. She feels funny rubbing on the stick in Granpa’s pocket but there’s no one lookiing and no one to tell because it’s dark and everyone is talking and laughing. Granpa holds her hand tight and guides it up and down, faster and faster and she can feel the breath coming from Granpa…harder and harder, more and more breath, the little noises. Finally, he lets her go and says he will be right back and she should go sit on the floor now.

They stay more days and Marina doesn’t feel right. She doesn’t want to get too close to Grandpa. It’s in the summer time and Marina and her brothers and sisters get to play outside in the water. They’re all wearing sunsuits and getting wet. When Marina’s straps get untied, Granpa is watching and says she should come to him so he can tie the straps. She does and he stands in front of her with his back to everyone else and he takes her straps to tie them but before he ties them he smiles at her and puts his fingers on her chest and pinches. He smiles and pinches some more and then he rubs her chest on the brown spots and pinches again before he ties her straps. No one sees. Marina wants to cry but Granpa says don’t cry. You’re my favorite girl. Tomorrow we can go buy a doll. Don’t cry. Shhh. Shhh. It’s okay. It’s our secret. Shhh. Shhh.

For more poss on Abuse, click here.

 

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Survivor or victim?

Words are important.

When a person is abused and victimized, their life is shattered. There are lifelong effects of the abuse. The person can remain a victim in their eyes and in the eyes of others, always feeling “less than” because of the actions of another.

OR

They can survive the abuse. Surviving involves moving past the abuse and living a full life in spite of it. Surviving means being the person you were meant to be before the abuse; in fact, being a better person because of it. Surviving means taking your past and incorporating it into your life to become stronger and, often, to help others get past the victim stage and to the survival stage.

I guess that makes me a survivor. I wasn’t always comfortable with that title but now I am. I’ve picked up the pieces. I’ve learned more about abuse. I am trying to help others become aware of abuse. I’m trying to help others that have been in my position.

It’s a tough thing to write about. You have to experience it to understand but if that means you have to be abused, then I would rather you did not understand because I don’t wish abuse, of any sort, on anyone.

For more posts on abuse, click here.

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Penn State coach Joe Paterno wrote: “With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had done more.”

Why don’t people report abuse when they witness it or are pretty sure it is happening? Why do they remain silent?

I’ve written about abuse in my family as a child in a couple of posts in this series on Abuse. Today, I will share another and I do it not to highlight the abuse but to show how people didn’t say anything when they saw it. They let it happen and let it continue happening.

My dad was very strict with us. When we did something he felt was not right, he didn’t talk to us about it and tell us why we shouldn’t do it. He just hit us; beat us. Things were far worse for my brothers. They were older and they were always beaten, with us girls, my mom often kept our “sins” quiet and didn’t tell him about it.

When my brothers were in high school, one of them was called into the boys’ dean’s office. He was sent in there for fighting with another student. My brother was a freshman, so about 15 years old. The dean suspended my brother from school for a week but he also called my father and said my brother had to be picked up and couldn’t leave until the dean had a conference with my father. BIG MISTAKE. My father arrived at the school angry and embarrassed by my brother’s behavior that required his appearance. My father was sent into the dean’s office with my brother and my brother’s counselor was also called in. They told my dad what my brother had done and waited to see what my father would say to my brother. Well, within seconds my dad started beating my brother right there in front of the dean and the counselor. He punched my brother in the stomach and in the face. He kicked my brother until my brother fell on the floor then he kicked him some more. While this was happening, the adult administrators yelled at my dad to stop and more administrators were called in to “help stop” my father. No one tried to restrain my father. They just verbally asked him to stop. My father didn’t stop. When my brother tried to get up off the floor, my dad kept hitting him. He didn’t stop until he got tired out. He then grabbed my brother off the floor and started dragging him out of the office and down the hall. My brother could barely walk. As they walked down the hall, my dad loudly told my brother something along the lines of “wait til we get home then I’ll show you what will happen if I am ever called to school again.”

The administrators and the secretarial staff all watched and listened. No one said a word. No one called the police. No one reported what had happened. They were, in effect, silent accomplices to my dad’s actions and so the abuse continued at home. If that one time someone had called the local child protective services or the police, maybe something would have been done and the beatings would have stopped. We don’t know what would have happened because no one did anything about it.  They were all adults. They all had the ability, power, and responsibility to to make that call but they didn’t.

Why? I don’t know but statistics and studies tell us that people often don’t report the abuse they witness because they are afraid to get involved in the system which might require them to appear in legal proceedings. Some are afraid of retaliation. So they remain silent as it happens and as it is repeated.

Ask yourself: Would YOU say something? Would YOU do anything? Would YOU report it?

My personal answer is YES. I hope yours is, too!

For more articles in this Abuse series, click here.

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There are many questions surrounding abuse. While we are getting good at finding answers, we still don’t have all the answers. Below are a lot of questions and some links to help YOU find some ways to understand and to help. Some of the questions have no links. Why? Because there are few answers and few lights to shed on them. For now, they are “thinking questions.”

Why do people abuse?

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/why-people-abuse/

Why do abused people stay in those relationships?

http://www.domesticabuseproject.com/get-educated/compelling-reasons-women-stay/

compelling reasons women stay

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200804/why-do-some-battered-women-stay

http://www.mollybkenny.com/library/why-some-stay-in-abusive-relationships-seattle-domestic-abuse-lawyer.cfm

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200804/why-do-some-battered-women-stay

Why do parents put their kids through the horrors of domestic violence?

http://www.domesticviolence.com.au/pages/impact-of-domestic-violence-children-and-young-people.php

Why do children keep their abuse a secret?

http://www.stopitnow.org/faq/why-dont-children-tell-if-they-have-been-abused

http://www.lfcc.on.ca/tipping.htm

http://www.secasa.com.au/pages/the-effects-of-childhood-sexual-abuse/the-child-sexual-abuse-accommodation-syndrome/

Why are children abused?

https://1in6.org/men/get-information/online-readings/others-who-were-involved-or-not/why-do-people-sexually-use-or-abuse-children/

http://www.stopitnow.org/sites/default/files/documents/files/prevent_child_sexual_abuse.pdf

Why do parents abuse their children?

http://www.livestrong.com/article/142315-what-causes-parents-abuse-their-child/

Why do people abuse elders?

http://www.tristatelaw.com/Articles/Children-Abusing-Elderly-Parents-a-Growing-Concern-in-New-Jersey.shtml

http://inpea.net/images/Elder_Abuse_Fact_Sheet.pdf

Why do abusers pick the most vulnerable people?

What is domestic violence and abuse?

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

What’s the big deal about verbal abuse? It’s only words.

http://www.loveisrespect.org/pdf/What_Is_Emotional_Verbal_Abuse.pdf

What is emotional abuse?

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/13/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/

How can you help an abuse woman in an abusive relationship?

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm

http://www.bwf1.com/can-i-help/

How can you help a child in an abusive home?

http://www.americanhumane.org/children/stop-child-abuse/fact-sheets/guidelines-for-helping.html

http://www.americanhumane.org/children/stop-child-abuse/

How can you tell when a child has been abused?

http://www.safehorizon.org/page/10-signs-of-child-abuse-58.html

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/child-abuse/basics/symptoms/CON-20033789

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/tc/child-maltreatment-symptoms

How can you tell when a spouse is covering up their spouses abuse?

How can you tell if an elderly person is being abused?

What can communities do to help those in abuse relationships?

What can communities do to help protect children from abusive adults?

What can we do to help protect children from abusive children?

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Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome happens when a person experiences or witnesses a traumatic event such as an accident, a death, a physical or sexual assault, war, famine, etc., that causes terror, fear, or feelings of helplessness and loss of control. These feelings interfere with the normal every day life of the person and can last months, years, or entire lifetimes.

How does this fit in with abuse? Abuse is a traumatic event, whether experienced as a victim or as an observer. Incidences of abuse can cause post traumatic stress syndrome in which the person feels anger, nervousness, helplessness, anxiety and other feelings that can recur, keeping them from living a normal, productive life. The person will often relive the events surrounding the trauma. They just cannot get past it.

Treatment can include medication or counseling, and often includes both components in an effort to relieve the person of the physical and emotional symptoms to get back to their normal life.

From my research, it appears that the PTSD caused by physical, emotional, or sexual abuse (or witnessing it) is the most difficult to treat. The events that caused the PTSD were in most cases, ongoing, long-lasting, and very damaging.

For more posts on the topic of Abuse, click here.

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My mom and dad are fighting again. Well, at least my dad is fighting with my mom. I can’t hear her saying anything but I can hear my dad yelling at her and saying some of the words we aren’t supposed to say because they’re bad words.

It happens all the time but more when my dad doesn’t have to go to work the next day. He starts out happy but then he ends up angry and yells at all of us. My mom sends us to the other room or to bed if it’s night time. He keeps yelling at her and sometimes I can hear him slap her or hit her. Sometimes I can hear him push her down on the floor or against the wall.

This time it was because my dad yelled at my brother and got up to hit him and my mom got in between them so he couldn’t hit my brother. Instead, she sent him to bed along with the rest of us and when we left he started yelling at her and calling her names then he hit her.

It happened last night, too. And a few days ago. My birthday was last week and it happened then too, after everyone went home. He always starts when everyone is gone. He’s nice to everyone until the company leaves then he starts hitting us and yelling at us. He has a whip. It’s made out of a long extension cord. He folds it in half and whips us with it. Then my mom comes and tries to get him to stop and he starts whipping her, too.

It happens all the time. Over and over again. All the time.

For my other 2016 A to Z Challenge posts, click here.

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Lisa is bruised today. She knows she needs to cover up and wear clothes that won’t show her bruises when she goes to school. Her dad was really angry at everyone last night. Lisa didn’t get out of his way fast enough.

He yells at her. The next day he apologizes and he cries and he brings her some special treat. It has always been that way, since she was a little girl. He told her she can’t tell anyone. It happens to everyone, her dad says. It’s normal. It just isn’t talked about because it’s supposed to be kept secret and private. He smiles at her and caresses her cheek. He’ll try not to do it again.

_______________________

Michael’s dad left last year. He just didn’t come home one day. His mom was glad at first but then she got sad. She missed him. She was lonely. She had Matt come into her room to sleep in her bed because she was lonely. She didn’t want to sleep alone. Michael didn’t mind. He didn’t like being alone in his room either. Then one night when he was sleeping, he woke up and his mom was touching him. It felt good and when she saw he was awake, she stopped. Then another night, she kept on touching him and she asked him to touch her. She took his hand and touched her breasts with it. That was all. But as time went by, she made him touch her more and she touched him more. When she touched him it made him feel good. She told him not to tell anyone. Everyone does it. It is just not talked about. It’s private. It’s secret. Shhh. Shhh.

_______________________

Why don’t people tell when they are abused? One of the reasons is because it has happened to them for so long that they don’t know any other way. And in most cases, they have been told by their abusers that what is happening is normal. It’s a secret. Don’t tell tell. It’s private. Everyone does it. And the know no other way of life so they believe that it is normal. It may not feel right but they have been made to believe that it’s normal. Shhh. Shhh.

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