Posts Tagged ‘about me’

My hair is very gray. I usually dye it about every three months. I do it myself, at home. I found a dye recently, well less than a year ago, that is much better than what I was using. It is a foam in product that is much easier to apply and to see where you have applied it to and where there is no product, which means that you don’t have those “untouched” spots that translate into dyed dark hair (deepest brown is my natural color) with a lot of gray peeking in here and there. At $10 an application, it is more than twice what I pay for the other stuff that leaves gray in but it is well worth it. Plus it leaves my hair conditioned and feeling great!

I haven’t dyed my hair since Thanksgiving. That means that it is almost completely gray all over, down to my shoulders where there is still some of the dark coloring left down to my mid-back. I toyed with the idea of letting it go completely gray but I’m not ready for that. My daughter agreed that it’s not time yet. You see, I’m 59 years old. With my gray hair I look like I am well into my 60’s. With it dyed, I look late 40’s. No brainer. I decided to dye it.

Today is my grandson’s last day of pre school. He begins kindergarten in September. There will be a little presentation of certificates and pictures. I decided that today I was taking myself back. It has been a really rough three months and I am ready to start being myself again. So I rummaged through the cupboards looking for the good dye package but didn’t find any. However, I did find the old stuff that doesn’t cover the gray well. It was after midnight so I decided I would use the yucky stuff just this one last time. Maybe I should have waited until this morning or gone out at midnight. When I washed it out and dried my hair, I could definitely see a lot of gray. It seems that I left a lot untouched just below both temples. Then I realized that I only got the surface so when it is moved slightly out of the way, all the gray is underneath!

Oh well! It will have to do. It will wash out in less than a month anyway and by then I will have gotten to the store for the better stuff. I think I’ll stock up on it.

Then came the clothes. At about 75 pounds lighter than I was in April, nothing fits. I have two pair of leggings that fit loose but well enough to wear. I also have two pair of jeans that fit kind of baggy but they don’t fall down! So that’s what I have been wearing around the house. To go out though, I had my daughter take me to the store where I found two pair of nicer pants, not leggings and not jeans, that sort of fit. They were on clearance and then half of the clearance so I paid about $16 for the two pair. I’m wearing the dark blue ones today. The tops are harder to find so I dug through boxes of clothes that never made it to the Goodwill donation center, clothes that were too small when I was so much bigger. I found a few that looked less larger than others and gave them a fresh washing. One in particular is kind of gathered with elastic at the sides, creating a waist. That one is not huge on me. It’s a size or two too big but it doesn’t look like I’m a two year old playing dress-up in my mommy’s clothes. So I’m set. I’m stepping out! It’s only to my grandson’s pre school graduation but it means a lot to me.

I’m taking myself back. I’m ready to. My mind is anyway. My body isn’t entirely ready and I will have to remember to not over do things but I’m not waiting. I’m coming out, not as the sickly shell of who I used to be, but as the person that is looking forward to so much more than doctor’s appointments and medicines and fear of the cancer recurring. I’m not thinking of that today. Today is about an ending and a beginning.

I’m ready.

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To join in the fun of chatting over coffee, write your post then visit Part Time Monster and add your url to the linky here.

If we were having coffee this week, I think I might have to try some tea. Since my surgery, I haven’t been able to enjoy coffee. First I couldn’t even think of having any then when I did, it just didn’t taste good anymore. I think I have had two good cups of coffee in over three weeks. And they were only partial cups because I couldn’t finish the rest of it. Oh well, it’s a good think I also like tea. I think I’ll try some mint or some chamomile. They both remind me of growing up. We always had mint growing in our yard, wherever we lived. When we needed or wanted mint tea, it was there for the picking, nice and fresh. I also love cold, iced mint tea in the summer time. Yum! My mom always reached for the “manzanilla” tea, which is chamomile, whenever we had anything wrong with us, headache, cramps, stomach ache, anything. The cure for all was always manzanilla.

If we were having coffee today, the day before Mother’s Day in the U.S., I would ask you about your mom. Any favorite memories? Anything funny? What about something that irks or used to irk you about your mom? I miss my mom. She lives in way, way, southern California (Hemet, CA). I haven’t seen her since last summer. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in September of 2013. From then on, I made it a point to go down there and spend a week or two every two or three months. However, because of my own health issues, I haven’t been able to go. I miss her. She has lived a long life and is a fighter. She’s 83 and has had two mastectomies, chemo, and radiation, all in the last 18 months.

If we were having coffee today, I would tell you that it’s a pretty nice day outside. At least it looks like it. I haven’t been out since Tuesday when I went to the hospital for my post-op visit. It was raining then. It seems like the nice days only come when I am confined to quarters! I’m getting stir crazy. It will probably be another couple of weeks before my abdominal muscles are strong enough to drive. And I’m still too weak to go for a walk. I’m thinking I am going to try to take a short walk with the walker today. Just a couple of houses down and back. I don’t think I’m strong enough to do much more than that without a problem. I hope the weather holds up long enough for me to do that.

Well, if we were having coffee today, I guess I would check with you and see what your schedule is. I don’t want to keep you too long. I know everyone is busy, either with work or with enjoying leisure time. I don’t want to keep you from either. What do you have going today? Tomorrow? Will you be celebrating Mother’s Day?

If you’re a mom, or a dad who has/is raising his kids without a mom, I celebrate you! I wish you a wonderful day!

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Lab Report

This is a copy/paste from my Facebook status. I’m really very tired and somewhat weak so I don’t have the energy to write much more. I’ll be back as soon as I can bounce back with more of me. Hopefully in a couple of days.

So… the lab results came back with a “borderline malignancy” which has to be classified as cancer because it can recur. The organs are gone and so is any surrounding tissue. During the surgery they took samples of surrounding organs and tissue and all of those came back as benign. The type of cancer that was found almost never recurs. Almost a full 100% of women with it will not have a recurrence and will lead a normal and full life. Mine was not the typical ovarian cancer from which most women die; it was a different type. So that’s good. There is also no need for chemo or radiation. Another good. I will have to go in for pelvic exams every three months for the coming year then it will reduce to every six months then once a year. All in all, it was a good visit. I got the staples taken out. One kind of troubling thing is that I continue to lose weight. I weighed 205 on the day of the surgery April 16). Then on the 27th I weighed 157. Yesterday, nine days later, I am down to 148. So I need to try to get my system to keep food down. I’m also feeling very tired and very weak. I guess that has a lot to do with the weight loss but also the doctor explained that all my organs are in shock as a result of the surgery and they expect my recovery to be protracted so probably a full 8 or more weeks instead of the 6 to 8 weeks. I’m also at a high risk for peritonitis because the fluid in the cyst had leaked all over the inside of my abdomen causing an inflammation throughout. So I need to keep an eye on my temperature and whether I am keeping food down or not (right now, I’m not). Anyway, thank you for all of your prayers and good wishes. It has all helped me tremendously.

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Once upon a time, I belonged to a website called Gather. One of the things I posted there was a list of 100 Things About Me, as it was a challenge. It was tough to come up with. Today, I’m posting 10 things about me, #1. I’ll do this from time to time. For those that have just begun to follow me, it will give you more info about me.

1. I was born and raised in San Jose, California.
2. I lived there until I graduated from high school then went up the road to college.
3. I received a full academic scholarship from Stanford University.
4. I graduated in 4 years plus 1 quarter, with a bachelor’s degree in Spanish Literature.
5. I got married three months after college graduation.
6. I lived in Glendale, California from 1980 until 2004.
7. I have 3 grown children, Tony, Tina, and Susie.
8. My favorite color is yellow.
9. I’m an optimist.
10. I speak English and Spanish with fluidity and French and Italian with conversational ability.

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I miss having friends. Real life friends. Friends I can exchange a hug with. Friends with which I can exchange giggles and that “knowing look”.

I remember having friends. I remember knowing a friend’s house as well as I knew my own. I remember my friends’ parents not giving a second thought to me being at their dining room table on any given night. I remember having friends where I would not feel like an intruder if I happened to find myself needing a place to share Thanksgiving or Christmas or Easter or any other day with them.

Now it’s all about Facebook and blogs and Twitter and Texting. I miss the old days.

I know I have friends in the virtual world and those friends are in no way “virtual friends”. I know that with many of my virtual friends I could show up on their doorstep for a visit without question. I could give them a phone call and know that they would be there to listen. So they really are friends. They are just scattered and not there for those physical hugs and knowing glances and giggles and maybe a cup of coffee by the fire or sharing a tub of popcorn at the movies.

I guess I’m feeling lonely today. I’ve been reading blogs and wishing that I could lend some encouragement besides a comment or a tweet and so I’ve realized that I’m pretty much all alone here. I have my daughter and grandsons a block away. But that’s it. I don’t know anyone else here and because of my “last minute” schedule status where I could be called at any time to take care of one or both of the grandsons, I don’t schedule any outings for myself and so I don’t meet anyone. But I am grateful and happy that I have the boys and my daughter near me. Imagine what it would be like if I didn’t have even them!

In any case, here’s hoping all of you have a friend to share physical space with when you need/want to!

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Since I’ve gotten back to writing in this blog, I’ve also gotten back to reading blogs. They go hand in hand. Without reading and commenting on other blogs, you won’t get much traffic on your own blog. Also, one of the reasons I enjoy blogging is to make friends and have the (virtual) conversations that I lack in daily life.

While clicking on links from lists for NaBloPoMo and other blog challenges, I’ve come across a lot of younger writers, some of them really struggling with a number of issues and some of them just questioning and exploring. I guess it’s my maternal nature kicks in at these times and I find myself taking an interest in many of them and commenting on their blogs. I try to leave encouraging, even inspiring little “pep comments” whenever I can and I leave little bits of caring and support wherever I can. That’s just who I am.

Yesterday I got a reply to one of my comments and I replied back to the blogger then she replied to me thanking me for always being supportive. Another blogger, also yesterday, thanked me for supporting her “fledgling writing attempts”.

Needless to say, it has left me with a big smile on my face. I guess being me is making a difference to a few people. I guess my attempts at encouragement and support are hitting their marks. Yay! It really makes me feel good to know this.

And so I keep reading and commenting.

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My Facebook status today:

“And from the files called “I can’t believe I did that” comes today’s story of how, sleep deprived because I’ve got insomnia, little OLD me decided to fix my morning smoothie (at 4 pm). So I put in my milk, egg, oj, cactus juice, ice, and turned on the blender. When I took a taste, there was something solid in there so I took it out of my mouth and found what I thought was a piece of white paper. I discarded the paper and took another drink and there was more paper. And more. Then it hit me…I cracked the egg in the blender jar and threw the shells in after it! So now I am fishing egg shells out of my smoothie. Aye Aye Aye!”

Yup. Some days are like this.

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If we were having coffee this mmorning (oops it’s actually afternoon!), I would want to sit out on the front porch while we enjoyed our drinks. Not because of the view or of the beautiful weather but because it is sunny right now and that’s rare for this time of year here in the furthest northern part of Oregon. It’s not particularly warm out but there is sun. We might need to take a blanket out there while we sit and chat but that’s okay. We would enjoy the sunshine and there is a slight breeze so we would also enjoy the windchimes on my porch.

It has been an interesting week so I might just ramble through our coffee time. I hope you don’t mind. Some of what happened I can’t really discuss because it’s not my situation to discuss, even though it effects me greatly. It was kind of a slow week as my body recuperates from last week’s fall. There’s no damage but the older we get, the more aches and pains we feel after a fall and the longer it takes to get over those aches and pains. So my knee, I think, is back to normal but my back is really, really, not. It seems that I can’t sit or stand or walk or anything, without it hurting. That’s not good. I can’t even sleep for more than an hour or so without waking from the pain. Oh well, maybe just another few days of this before it’s done with me? I can hope.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have been feeling kind of paralyzed this week when it comes to creating. That’s frustrating because my special magic word for the year is Create. I’m sure it’s because of all the aches and pains but I don’t want it to become a habit. I need to do some creating. I need to. Need. Not want. Need. I think you’d understand.

If we were having coffee right now, I would tell you that I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog. I’m kind of thinking that I should have a particular kind of post for each day. Like maybe a “memoir Monday” or a “Tuesday Thoughts” or “Wordy Wednesday” (kind of my rebellion to Wordless Wednesday where I could post a very wordy piece). Can you tell I’m into alliteration? That would remind me of the week I tackled teaching alliteration and onomatopoeia to my third graders. The alliteration was easier for them to understand but they had a problem with onomatopoeia. I ended up bringing in a VHS tape (this was in the late days of VHS, around 2000) with the 60’s Batman show. They loved it and with all of the Bam! Whack! Splat!, etc., they were finally able to understand the concept and use it successfully. I was glad that my classroom was one of those portable ones located in the far reaches of the school yard where the sound of the TV didn’t get the attention of anyone but my class! And then I would tell you that I really miss teaching.

If we were sitting out in the sun having our coffee, I would have to grab my sunglasses. That would remind me of the other day when I had the boys with me. I had brought them both home in my car after taking them to McDonalds to play in the playland (which we ended up not doing because it was the Monday holiday and there was no room for any more kids or nanas in the place so we ate our food in the outer dining area and came home). There were a few breaks in the clouds which had me put on my sunglasses while I drove home. When we got home, we came inside and I forgot to switch the prescription glasses for my regular glasses. I got Anderson situated and put Spencer down for his nap and then I told Anderson that I would be right back because I needed to go get my regular glasses from the car. He said, “Yes, Nana. You go get your other glasses because I can’t see you when you wear the sunglasses!” I cracked up. He’s four but I know he meant that he couldn’t see my eyes when I had the sunglasses on. When I came back inside wearing my regular glasses, he said, “Let’s see Nana” so I looked at him and he smiled and said, “Yay! I can see you now!” I thought it was interesting that he equated not being able to see my eyes with not being able to see me. Hhm. It’s kind of true, isn’t it? If we can look into someone’s eyes, we can see who they are, regardless of who they say they are!

If we were having coffee, I would have finished my second cup by now. I would head inside for more and offer you some more, if you could stay a bit longer. If not, that would be fine. But if you could stay, I would probably keep talking about my kids. “My kids” meaning not only my own and my grandchildren but also the kids I’ve taught. They all became my kids when they walked through the door on the first day of school and I still think about them and wonder what they are up to now.

Thank you for stopping by. I hope you learned a little about me and I hope to see you again for another cup of coffee. Maybe I’ll look for something special in the coffee aisle this week so I’ll have it ready for you next week!

This is a part of #weekendcoffeeshare hosted by Parttimemonster. They are really fun to write and more fun to read. Head over to her page and click on the blue link at the end of her post for a list of other bloggers who are participating. Check throughout the weekend as we do them at whatever time we have available through the weekend so there are new ones popping up all day Saturday and Sunday. Why don’t you join us? Give it a try!

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Prompt: Take a line from a song you love or connect with. Turn that line into the title of your post.

As some of you know and others may have guess from the name of this blog, I love the song Wasted Nights And Wasted Days by the late Freddie Fender. I’ve always loved that song since I heard it in the summer of 1975. I was in college then and just fell in love with the song, the music, and the lyrics, as I had fallen in love with Before the Next Teardrop Falls earlier in the same year.

Later, when I could truly relate to the lyrics (…For you don’t belong to me, Your heart belongs to someone else, Why should I keep on loving you, When I know that you’re not true…) the song meant so much more. Then even later, when I had gotten over that heartbreak and had spent so many days and nights alone, crying, mourning the loss of my marriage, I finally realized that it had all been a waste of time. I needed to move on and put the past behind me. So I worked on leaving it all behind me and going on. I moved 500 miles away and started a new life. And although I’m still alone, and I’ve not forgotten the past, it’s all just that…the past. It’s behind me. No more wasting time. Not days, not nights.

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights
I have left for you behind
For you don’t belong to me
Your heart belongs to someone else

Why should I keep on loving you
When I know that you’re not true
And Why should I call your name
When you’re to blame for making me blue?

Don’t you remember the day
When you went away and left me
I was so lonely prayed for you only, my love

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Old But Good

Revisting an old poem I wrote some time ago and published here in 2009.

That’s Where I’m From
I was born from passion and lust
into a world of hunger and thirst

I am from the feelings kept
inside of me, always voiceless
that’s where I’m from

From pain and broken promises
from betrayal and from anguish
that’s where I’m from

From lies and drunken nights
from addiction and from mistrust
that’s where I’m from

I am from the laughter in my heart
from hope seen in my dreams
that’s where I’m from

From darkness deep inside of me
from vanished dreams and tears
that’s where I’m from

I am from the strength inside of me
strength that emerges when needed
that’s where I’m from

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