Why do people abuse others? There are a lot of reasons being cited as the cause. None of them are excuses, even though they might be explanations.
Researchers say that some abusers learned the behavior from their parents. They grew up watching one parent abuse and the take the abuse. They saw it for so long that they internalized the behavior and saw it as the normal relationship between two people…abuser and victim. They grew up seeing one parent be in control (the abuser) and the other be out of control (the victim of abuse) and once grown, they decide they won’t be the one that is out of control so they become the abuser in their relationship, victimizing their partners and spouses.
People with anger management issues can also become abusers. The same for those with drinking and drug use problems. In their cases, there is something wrong with their ability to control or inhibit themselves at the brain level and they can verbally or physically strike out at others, most often their partners/spouses.
Most of us are born with the ability to empathize with others. Some aren’t. Those that are not, can easily become abusers. They can’t relate to others as people with feelings who can experience pain and hurt. Instead, they only see others as objects. Many of these people are actually psychologically ill. They may have anti-social tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder. Some are even abused themselves in one situation of their lives (maybe work) and they turn around and use those same behaviors toward their family at home. Still others get gratification from their behavior, seeing it as the way to get sex, or financial power, or just plain being in control of others.
There are lots of reasons. These are a few. Like I said, none of these explanations is an excuse, nor do I condone abuse in any of these situations. They are merely what researchers have come up with as reasons.
A to Z 2016
Links:
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence/art-20048397
http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/805546-overview
http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/1996/05.02/WhyDoMenAbuseWo.html
This is a good short list. You’ll probably address this as you go along—the trap many victims fall into of not recognizing a narcissist or sociopath (they’re surprisingly common) and thinking that love can change them. Both women and men do this, and in many cases, it’s a holdover from love for an abusive parent or caregiver…that belief that if you love enough, if you’re good enough, your primary emotional attachment will change or love you back. But in realizing earlier in life why people are abusive…possibly that trap could be avoided, or at least more readily recognized.
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It’s a very difficult thing to avoid. My mom was physically abused by my dad. I knew I would never allow a man (or anyone) to hit me. When my husband began to pinch me really hard as a way to hurt me while we were in public, I told him that if he ever did it again or if he ever hit me, I would be gone before he could say “I’m sorry.” He didn’t do it again. Instead, he began to verbally abuse me and I didn’t recognize it for what it was for a long time. I stayed. Then he began throwing things at me…never to hit me…just to startle me or scare me or intimidate me. And again I failed to see it as abuse. It wasn’t until I was out of the relationship that I realized he had continually abused me.
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Oh my gosh!! I see the connection between my mother and my husband..making me feel like I am not good enough to be loved so if I worked harder, I could be…major light bulb moment here!
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Those light bulb moments, as painful as they may be to face, are good in the long run.
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You already knew huh?
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I’ve put bits and pieces together from what you’ve written…and not written.
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In a way I understand the cycle of abuse – if you see that all the time, you may think it’s normal at first. Once you are no longer a child, I don’t buy it. You should be able to tell right from wrong and know that what you witnessed was wrong. If growing up in an abusive home really had such an effect, every child who grew up in those circumstances would in turn become an abuser or a victim of abuse and that’s not how it happens.
Debbie
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My 2nd ex-husband was a narcissist. They are extremely difficult to live with. Another great post, Corina.
Many Blessings,
Lori
My A2Zs @ As the Fates Would Have It & Promptly Written
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