A Rough Week

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If we were having coffee, I would greet you at my door and hope that you had a big hug for me. It has been a really rough week and I’m needing some hugs. So come on in, sit down and we can have a talk.

It has now been four weeks since my surgery. This time last week I thought I was beginning to feel better and I was starting to look forward to being well and able to leave the house and get on with things. Then after I wrote Saturday’s coffee share post, I got word that my dad died. I thought I was prepared for it. We had known for a few days that he was nearing the end (he was in “in home” hospice). When word came, I realized I wasn’t ready. And I was all alone in my memories and my grief. I have no family nearby except my daughter who was at work. I didn’t want to get her upset at work so I decided to not tell her until she got home. I got through it. Then each time I spoke to either my sister or my mother on the phone, I would get more details and the tears would spill again. I still feel pretty sad about it.

Two days later, I got the bill from the hospital and although it was discounted by 60%, I know I will be paying them for a long, long time…maybe for the rest of my life. Another blow. The next day my incision began to leak some kind of drainage. I watched it for awhile and took my temperature then finally called the doctor late that night. I spoke to the doctor on call (who fell asleep in the middle of my account of what was going on and I had to keep yelling “hello hello” into the phone; eight minute nap until she woke up!). She said I should just keep an eye on it for 24 hours then we could re-evaluate it. But by the morning, I knew I couldn’t wait 24 hours as things had gotten worse. So there I go back up to the hospital where they did a CT scan and send me home because it was too late to get the results until the next day. Finally I got word the next day that it is an abscess that is draining. Luckily, it is between the outside layer of the abdomen and the incision so we just need to let it finish draining. Fun. Not.

So I have been kind of down this week. It seems that just as I am starting to feel like I can plan on having a normal life, I get hit with something else. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get to feeling like myself again. Or will they keep finding other things wrong with me. (The CT scan showed a “spot” on my liver that was not seen in the March CT scan and there was a recommendation that it be investigated. However, because my doctor at OHSU is in the OB/GYN department, I’m sure no one will be doing anything about it.)

In any case, I have not felt much like blogging this week. I don’t know if I will feel like it during the coming week but I do want to try to get around to some of the blogs, even if I only “like” and not comment. I’ll try to do better than that, though.

I didn’t read much this week. I think everything I read seems to be coming up flat. It may just be my current frame of mind. I’ve been watching that old TV show, thirtysomething, on Hulu. I used to love that show the first time it ran in the late 80’s. Now, in watching it this time around, the first season struck me as having a bunch of whiny want to be grown ups griping about every bump in the road of their lives; some real childish stuff. I’m now on season 3 of 4 and it’s now better. The characters have had a chance to be developed and their stories are much more real and sympathetic. I’m currently watching a storyline about one of the characters, Nancy, who has ovarian cancer and it has been good for me to watch it because it has allowed me to think about some of things I have been feeling but not allowing myself to think about or express.

Our weather has been cold and cloudy and rainy. Except, of course, on the days I have been stuck inside the house. Then it has been sunny and warm. But I haven’t been able to get out in it. I did get out to drive to the drugstore the other day and right back. It was nice to be able to do something on my own and for myself. But I’m supposed to be “laying low” until the fluid stops draining so no more going out for me for a few days.

How’s your weather? What have you done for fun this week? What roadblocks have you come across? Tell me. Tell me. You’re about my only contact with the outside world!

I guess that’s it for today. I hope that next week I will be feeling a bit more like myself and I do plan on visiting blogs more faithfully this week so please bear with me. And I hope to be more myself next time around.

Have a wonderful week. Enjoy whatever weather you are having. Until next time.

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